so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
