my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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