I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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