The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
