So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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