Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm sobbing to NWA
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
