My room smells like vodka and shame
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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