I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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