i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
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He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
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The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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