it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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