remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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