Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so that wasnt chicken after all
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My vagina is officially offended.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
