it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
not ubering you a puppy
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
