my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
