I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
