someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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