Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
