i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
