i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
