I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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