Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
