i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.