why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.