are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
