I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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