wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
