Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
