The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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