no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
