I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
home. puking in laundry basket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
