they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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