you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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