She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
