I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
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All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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