Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
