How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
