She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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