oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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