There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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