I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The power of my boobs compel you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
