I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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