My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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