I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
