I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
