At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my liver is dry heaving
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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