Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
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We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall