I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?