I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
