Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
