I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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