Dude my mom stole all your condoms
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
