Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
