Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
