I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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