Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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