they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
