Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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