I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
