i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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