Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
